The Stealer Part 3
by ilovebotdf111
Summary: The 3rd installment in the most awesome and definitive series of all time.


How am I gonna steal myself out of this one? Well first of all, that's scientifically impossible. You can't really STEAL yourself out of anything. So how exactly did I get myself out of that sticky situation?

I didn't. I was thoroughly tazed, beaten, and anally pleasured, and promptly thrown into the police cruiser like a hooker being thrown into a police cruiser, or more realistically, a Mexican HEYOO! Ron Paul 2016! They proceeded to tell me that I had the right to remain silent and anything I said can and will be used against me in a court of wank lol jk I mean law. I told them "eyo m8 I'll rek ya mum en the ass I swear I will m8 me pecker's screaming for a creamin he is so you best watch out wanka cuz I'm gun git ya mum on me pecka". They didn't hear me though, because they were listening to their new Ramin Djawadi soundtrack that I cleverly stole and placed in the sound system.

With the police distracted, I could probably make my escape, and start anew. Yeah I could've, but I didn't. I instead enjoyed my ride and thought of the meaning of life while thinking about the fantasy of running around naked while being chased by 3 horny lizard men that knew how to show a man a good time.

Wh responded in unison "Yeah cuz I ain't no queer". I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom there was a large open window with a sign next to it that read "PLZ DO NOT ESKAP ITS HARD TO FIND U GUYZ WHEN U ESKAP JUST GIVE UZ A CHANCE". I stole that sign. I jumped out the window and ran far away.

As soon as I felt home free, I purchased a hot dog and proceeded to ram it up my anus in order to feed the massive tapeworm that has been feeding off my insides. I then went on a stealing spree, and most of it is a blur. I think I stopped to plough a couple girls though, because I really like having sex it's practically my trademark. I probably have like 1 kid running around New York going like "shit hoe where daddy at" and mommy responds "shut up bitch help me find my tampons." I stole some tampons.

After I was done with my stealing spree I was going over my loot while hiding under a frustrated hobo. He asked me if I was done yet and I said no and he said that he actually enjoyed my company and that he was just a bitter lonely old man because his family won't take him in and he has nowhere else to go. He's lonely because he has no one else, and although he might come off as bitter and frustrated, if one was to sit down and get to know him he might lighten up. I stood up and gave him a hug. Little did he know that I put a live grenade in his back pocket lol! I jumped out of the way to dodge the explosion.

This garnered some attention so I did a little dance and shot my gun up in the air to get rid of the negative attention. It worked. I went back up to check my loot when I noticed something. A girl. Oh shit! I must have accidently stolen her! She was white with brown hair and brown bear earrings and her shirt was white so it kind of looked like she wasn't wearing a shirt. This really turned me on and I vigorously masturbated for 7 days. When I was finished I used her shirt to clean up the mess and then I asked her her name.

"My name is Deidra SuckYooAuf, but my friends call me Dirty Deids." I asked her why her friends call her that.

"Because I love to SUCK COCK!" And then out of nowhere a massive penis careened into her mouth, and she pleasured and gobbled it for 7 days. When she was done, she asked why I stole all this stuff. I told her because I was The Stealer, and that it's practically my trademark to steal things. It actually is, what am I saying. Jesus I'm badass.

"Oh noen we arrived at the police station, I asked if I could go to the bathroom unattended and without police accompaniment. All of the police officers in the station! You have to return this," she exclaimed. "You have to at least return me!" And then she threw up for like 5 minutes and it was really fuckin weird.

"W-What are you?" I asked fearfully, my tapeworm wriggling in fear and pleasure.

"I'm The Returner!" She said.

"That's bullshit" and then I shot her in the throat and ripped out her uvula. I just really wanted to see what one looked like. I then had to get to work on putting her back together. It took me literally 3 minutes, time horribly wasted. I could've spent that time stealing or having sex or floundering or screwing or covering myself in flour and pretending that I'm a pita chip. STACY'S PITA CHIPS 50% OFF AT ACME!

I had to borrow some blood from some HIV-Positive guy in order to put it in her IV. I went up to him while he was smashing a baby doll against a wall and he said to me "Et ma baby!" I said "Sure Kevin" and shot him in the jugular to gather his blorge wtf I meant blood jesus.

When I got back the girl was awake. "Hey I never got your name" she said. I slapped her in the boob but I kind of made it look like an accident to be all slick and to maybe trigger an emotional connection between us and I'm all like "oh shit sorry haha".

Oh great, what have I gotten myself into now? She'll follow me until I return everything that I've stole. How am I supposed to be The Stealer when The Returner's right by my side. Shit.


End file.
